If you read my last post you know I have been struggling with my mama responsibility lately due to my son’s long sickness and now turning even longer with the chicken pox! So, in my adventures of mamahood the last few weeks, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on my views of motherhood and divinity, and an aspect of God I think is forgotten too often, or maybe even deemed ‘not as significant’. A part that I have not recognized fully until, well, a few days ago. The Mother part of God.
Yes, I am talking about God’s feminine side (you know, we women were also made in “the image”). Our culture speaks so heavily of the Father side of God (which I love, don’t get me wrong), but I think that speaking in terms of the “She” side of God could bring a lot of healing to people. At least, it did for me recently.
After almost 3 weeks of only getting to sleep in increments of between one and three hours (four on a good night) at a time because of a screaming, sick, unhappy child, I was slightly struggling to keep my emotions under control and my perspective positive. And not only was he sick, but he had three molars trying to come in at the same time which was giving him slight fevers and a grotesque looking butt rash that would bleed after he pooped. (sorry if that was too graphic…). I would be up with him for an hour before he would go back to sleep, even after letting him sleep in our bed (while Ben slept on the living room floor with ear plugs). Then, naps would never go more than an hour at a time. I have always had a hard time being ok with a night of sleep consisting of less than eight hours. I love to sleep (notice the bold and italics both). I would be worried that I was going to get super behind on sleep and get sick and have to take a nap when Mathias napped. I’m going to stop there before I start feeling pathetic about myself.
Anyway, I realized that after almost three weeks of this insane sleeping schedule I was NOT getting sick! Dr. Goltl (a really great kinesiologist here in town) helped us a bunch with keeping our immune systems up as well as encouraging us with the strength of our minds. Then, a great friend of ours, who does kinesiology based treatments that tend to be wonderfully spiritual, came over and did a treatment on me for my body, mind, and spirit. It was so helpful and Ben and I had great conversation with him that was even more helpful. I realized a few things…
First, I realized that I am afraid to fully embrace motherhood. I am afraid to accept the idea that I will forever be a mother. Why?? Being a mom is a really vulnerable role sometimes. You are offering all of yourself to something so fragile; another human life. I am scared of giving all of myself to something only to lose it and be lost.
I am scared of losing myself too. Losing the person I have been learning I am, and who I want to be. Afraid that part of me will die and be lost forever. Afraid that if I fully embrace this motherhood thing, that I will be consumed only by that and never again do or be the things that I love and am passionate about.
Then, reality slapped me in the face and said, “Are you being serious right now??”. Ha, actually it was much more gentle than that. I was given a vision of the Mother God. Her beautiful golden head and bright white nurturing self that spreads across the universe only to care for, love, hold, and nurture all of Her children.
I remember during one of the long, sleepless nights holding my son and thinking, “God, I have been on my knees begging and pleading with you for days. Why are you not fixing this?!”. Then, the other night, I realized God was saying, “Child, love and fully care for your child, and then I will take care of you”. Not that I wasn’t being taken care of, but my “problem” wasn’t being fixed so that I could see my son was also in his hour of need. As much as I wanted God to swoop me up and rock me to sleep and tell me everything was going to be ok, my son was needing the same from me. I needed to give in to the role, lose the heated emotions, and just be for the time because that was what he needed. And seeing that God has been doing that for me my whole life and countless other “children”, I realized what I was doing was just as divine as the servant, the healer, or the wisdom-giver.
And you know what? That night was the best night of sleep in all three of those weeks.
I am now letting myself fully embrace the role of mother, because I know that it is added on to the person I am/ am becoming. And, that I can never lose my child, because I do not own my child. We are all the children who are given opportunities to help another child enter this world to learn to Love, and give, and grow, and become. Loving them isn’t an investment for ourselves, rather, it is an opportunity for us to understand Love and to give and receive it freely. Just as God does for me and all the other children.
This was a really long post, but I hope you were able to make it through and enjoy it. 🙂 This was a really wonderful realization for me, and I felt that I should share it.
I hope today, and all your days are filled with so much Love.