I am going to expose myself a little bit here. I am stepping out and trusting that you who read this have experienced the same, or at least can relate. I need to do this so that I know I am not the only one who has rough days followed with frustrated thoughts in regards to the responsibilities of being a mama.
The last few days have been a struggle for me, and even Ben, with parenthood. Mathias has been really whiney, grumpy, and waking up screaming in the middle of the night just to be held for a little bit. Wait, I need to back up a bit and say this: I LOVE my son. I wouldn’t want him any other way. Having said that… sometimes (like lately), I get so overwhelmed that I wonder things like, “What the hell am I doing being a mom?! I can’t do this! I don’t even know what I’m doing! I cannot listen to one more whiney cry! Why is this happening to me right now?!”, and worst of all, “I wanted to wait like three more years!!! God, why??”.
I know, this sounds really selfish, ungrateful, and ridiculous. I have to believe I am not the only [good] mom out there who has thought this! Not that that justifies my thoughts, but to know that other moms have felt this way and survived gives me hope. I know that life is moving on and there are always going to be good and bad days. I know that my son is a precious miracle that I am so blessed to have.
Have you ever felt this way? What a weird, crazy role this parent thing is. So much love and so much frustration felt all at the same time. Sometimes (like two nights ago getting woken up every 30min. four times in a row) I feel like my head is going to explode and I want to yell and cry and flail my body and be held and comforted too. But alas, I have to be the calm one who makes everything ok, even if I have no idea if it will be ok. And besides, I would look really stupid doing all of that.
I have decided to start doing things for myself, when I can, to help keep my mind peaceful and strong enough to handle those moments. I am going to go to more yoga classes, take bubble baths, meditate, paint and create during nap-time (if I am not napping myself), and have more dates with only my husband.
Thanks for letting me vent this all out to you (if you made it all the way through). I would love to hear back from you if you have similar experiences, or advice, or anything you want to share.
Ok, I’m going to go make a calendar and watch a movie. 🙂