love painting rainbows

living love and creating rainbows

The Mother God: a moment of enlightenment February 14, 2012

Filed under: Mamahood — lovepaintingrainbows @ 10:06 pm

If you read my last post you know I have been struggling with my mama responsibility lately due to my son’s long sickness and now turning even longer with the chicken pox! So, in my adventures of mamahood the last few weeks, I have been given the opportunity to reflect on my views of motherhood and divinity, and an aspect of God I think is forgotten too often, or maybe even deemed ‘not as significant’. A part that I have not recognized fully until, well, a few days ago. The Mother part of God.

Yes, I am talking about God’s feminine side (you know, we women were also made in “the image”). Our culture speaks so heavily of the Father side of God (which I love, don’t get me wrong), but I think that speaking in terms of the “She” side of God could bring a lot of healing to people. At least, it did for me recently.

After almost 3 weeks of only getting to sleep in increments of between one and three hours (four on a good night) at a time because of a screaming, sick, unhappy child, I was slightly struggling to keep my emotions under control and my perspective positive. And not only was he sick, but he had three molars trying to come in at the same time which was giving him slight fevers and a grotesque looking butt rash that would bleed after he pooped. (sorry if that was too graphic…). I would be up with him for an hour before he would go back to sleep, even after letting him sleep in our bed (while Ben slept on the living room floor with ear plugs). Then, naps would never go more than an hour at a time. I have always had a hard time being ok with a night of sleep consisting of less than eight hours. I love to sleep (notice the bold and italics both). I would be worried that I was going to get super behind on sleep and get sick and have to take a nap when Mathias napped. I’m going to stop there before I start feeling pathetic about myself.

Anyway, I realized that after almost three weeks of this insane sleeping schedule I was NOT getting sick! Dr. Goltl (a really great kinesiologist here in town) helped us a bunch with keeping our immune systems up as well as encouraging us with the strength of our minds. Then, a great friend of ours, who does kinesiology based treatments that tend to be wonderfully spiritual, came over and did a treatment on me for my body, mind, and spirit. It was so helpful and Ben and I had great conversation with him that was even more helpful. I realized a few things…

First, I realized that I am afraid to fully embrace motherhood. I am afraid to accept the idea that I will forever be a mother. Why?? Being a mom is a really vulnerable role sometimes. You are offering all of yourself to something so fragile; another human life. I am scared of giving all of myself to something only to lose it and be lost.

I am scared of losing myself too. Losing the person I have been learning I am, and who I want to be. Afraid that part of me will die and be lost forever. Afraid that if I fully embrace this motherhood thing, that I will be consumed only by that and never again do or be the things that I love and am passionate about.

Then, reality slapped me in the face and said, “Are you being serious right now??”. Ha, actually it was much more gentle than that. I was given a vision of the Mother God. Her beautiful golden head and bright white nurturing self that spreads across the universe only to care for, love, hold, and nurture all of Her children.

I remember during one of the long, sleepless nights holding my son and thinking, “God, I have been on my knees begging and pleading with you for days. Why are you not fixing this?!”. Then, the other night, I realized God was saying, “Child, love and fully care for your child, and then I will take care of you”. Not that I wasn’t being taken care of, but my “problem” wasn’t being fixed so that I could see my son was also in his hour of need. As much as I wanted God to swoop me up and rock me to sleep and tell me everything was going to be ok, my son was needing the same from me. I needed to give in to the role, lose the heated emotions, and just be for the time because that was what he needed. And seeing that God has been doing that for me my whole life and countless other “children”, I realized what I was doing was just as divine as the servant, the healer, or the wisdom-giver.

And you know what? That night was the best night of sleep in all three of those weeks.

I am now letting myself fully embrace the role of mother, because I know that it is added on to the person I am/ am becoming. And, that I can never lose my child, because I do not own my child. We are all the children who are given opportunities to help another child enter this world to learn to Love, and give, and grow, and become. Loving them isn’t an investment for ourselves, rather, it is an opportunity for us to understand Love and to give and receive it freely. Just as God does for me and all the other children.

This was a really long post, but I hope you were able to make it through and enjoy it. 🙂 This was a really wonderful realization for me, and I felt that I should share it.

I hope today, and all your days are filled with so much Love.

Love, Alisha

Advertisements
 

The Not so Glamorous Part(s) of Mamahood January 24, 2012

Filed under: Mamahood — lovepaintingrainbows @ 11:14 pm

I am going to expose myself a little bit here. I am stepping out and trusting that you who read this have experienced the same, or at least can relate. I need to do this so that I know I am not the only one who has rough days followed with frustrated thoughts in regards to the responsibilities of being a mama.

The last few days have been a struggle for me, and even Ben, with parenthood. Mathias has been really whiney, grumpy, and waking up screaming in the middle of the night just to be held for a little bit. Wait, I need to back up a bit and say this: I LOVE my son. I wouldn’t want him any other way. Having said that… sometimes (like lately), I get so overwhelmed that I wonder things like, “What the hell am I doing being a mom?! I can’t do this! I don’t even know what I’m doing! I cannot listen to one more whiney cry! Why  is this happening to me right now?!”, and worst of all, “I wanted to wait like three more years!!! God, why??”.

I know, this sounds really selfish, ungrateful, and ridiculous. I have to believe I am not the only [good] mom out there who has thought this! Not that that justifies my thoughts, but to know that other moms have felt this way and survived gives me hope. I know that life is moving on and there are always going to be good and bad days. I know that my son is a precious miracle that I am so blessed to have.

Have you ever felt this way? What a weird, crazy role this parent thing is. So much love and so much frustration felt all at the same time. Sometimes (like two nights ago getting woken up every 30min. four times in a row) I feel like my head is going to explode and I want to yell and cry and flail my body and be held and comforted too. But alas, I have to be the calm one who makes everything ok, even if I have no idea if it will be ok. And besides, I would look really stupid doing all of that.

I have decided to start doing things for myself, when I can, to help keep my mind peaceful and strong enough to handle those moments. I am going to go to more yoga classes, take bubble baths, meditate, paint and create during nap-time (if I am not napping myself), and have more dates with only my husband.

Thanks for letting me vent this all out to you (if you made it all the way through). I would love to hear back from you if you have similar experiences, or advice, or anything you want to share.

Ok, I’m going to go make a calendar and watch a movie. 🙂

Love, Alisha

 

1 year of Mathias Eden October 18, 2011

Filed under: Mamahood — lovepaintingrainbows @ 10:59 pm

Today is a tad bittersweet. My firstborn child, my first son, my baby turned 1 year today. This is so amazing because it seems as though it went by faster than any other year of my life. And, we were not planning on having a baby this early in our lives, so saying we have a 1 year old makes me feel older than I am.

However, Mathias is a complete blessing. A perfect example of God’s love. He teaches us the love of God, how to be soft and patient, how to watch our own actions and words, and how to smile with our hearts. He does all of this and doesn’t even know it.

It’s also hard to believe I gave birth one year ago. Now that I am a mother and am experiencing my child’s birthday, I am realizing that all these years I should have been giving my mom all the presents! She went through the 9 months of carrying a growing life, and hours of labor (done naturally, as did I) so that I could enter the world. What the heck was I getting the presents for?? (But, I will still take them if you want to give them ;))

At birth, Mathias taught me perseverance and that I am a strong woman whose Creator loves and has made amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At one month I was trying to stay alive. He finally started sleeping through the night completely and I was learning to have a routine.

At two months I was getting out much more and enjoying watching his eyes watch mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 3 months he was awake more. I remember thinking, “What am I supposed to do with him?”. He just wanted to take in the world. (from a “big person” seat too… always more content on the couch or recliner)

At 4 months he started to hold his head up to see his toys and play. It was fun seeing him do something other than lie around and be cute. And, he got to go on a rock climbing trip with his Poppa and Mama and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 5 months his personality was becoming more noticeable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 6 months he was making us laugh.

At 7 months he knew he was cute! Sitting up so well and playing with his toys.

At 8 months he knew how to put on a show. He started scooting around and was (is) happiest outside.

At 9 months he got his first hair cut— from Poppa! He loved his jumper! Until it broke while he was in it…

before

after

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 10 months he was walking back and forth from the furniture to mom and dad and smiling big cheesy grins.

At 11 months he became a cruiser! I had to baby-proof way earlier than I was expecting. He loves getting around like a big boy!

Now, as an official 1 year old, he is keeping us busy playing, teaching, learning, loving, laughing, and being awesome. We are excited to be on this adventure and to see what each day holds. As far as when will we have another one? DON’T even THINK about asking!! 🙂 Someday.

Love, Alisha